My Favorite Jokes.
Over the years I’ve built up a substantial file of humor, at first collected for source material usable for business talks, later just for fun. Many are puns – one of the forms I really enjoy. Included are about a dozen all-time favorites. Here are two neither of which are puns, one clean and one not so. The wonderful duck story “You Got Duck Food?” I’m told originally appeared on Sesame Street. The other came from a friend who had a remarkable repertoire of off color stories.
The clean one:
One afternoon a pet store owner hears the front door of his shop open as signaled by the little bell hanging above the door. This is followed by a “SLAP, SLAP, SLAP” across the floor (the narrator slaps his hands down on a flat surface each in succession to make the proper sound.) but doesn’t see anybody until he looks down and sees a duck standing at his feet.
“What do you want,” says the owner with some annoyance.
“You got duck food?” asks the duck
“No, I don’t have duck food,” answers the owner in mounting exasperation. “ I have dog food, I have cat food, I have fish food but I don’t have duck food.”
Without another thing said, the duck turns around and dejectedly walks out of the store (SLAP, SLAP, SLAP)
The next afternoon, around the same time, the pet storeowner again hears the tinkle of the bell and then “SLAP, SLAP, SLAP.” He looks down and there’s the same duck.
“Now what?” growls the owner.
“You got duck food?” says the duck.
“No, dammit, I got no duck food,” yells the owner. “ I already told you that. I’ve got gerbil food, I’ve got snake food, I’ve got bird food, I’ve got turtle food but I ain’t got no duck food. Now get your little duck tail the hell out of here or I’ll nail those flat feet of yours to the floor.”
Again the duck dejectedly turns and walk out (SLAP, SLAP, SLAP)
The following day, again at the same time, the storeowner hears the bell and the “SLAP, SLAP, SLAP”
“Oh No!” he cries as he looks down at the duck. “What do you want now?”
“You got nails?” says the duck.
“No! No! I don’t have nails. This is not a hardware store, this is a pet store.”
“You got duck food?”
Some not so clean ones.
A N.Y. city health inspector enters a new restaurant on the east side and is immediately struck by its squalid ambiance. The floor is dirty with recently dropped food still in evidence, lighting is poor, and there is a prevalent odor of grease and spoilage. He is led to a booth which has its table not cleaned well and there are crumbs on the torn vinyl seats. When the waiter comes to take his order he can’t help but notice his dirty hands, stained shirt and coat sleeves and general slovenly appearance. In the poor light he has difficulty reading the menu and, when he gets up to go to the restroom he trips and almost falls on the curled up linoleum floor. Needless to say the bathroom is a disaster.
The food, when it arrives, is excellent but is sloppily served by the waiter including serving the luke-warm soup with his thumb in it. When done, the inspector identifies himself to the waiter and asks to see the manager. The latter arrives, admits he is both owner and manager although new in the trade, and accedes to the inspector’s request to see the kitchen. After a tour of that facility, which also reveals a lack of cleanliness the inspector laces into him pointing out in detail all of the infractions he’s found and concludes, “This is without question the worst restaurant I’ve ever been in. I should close you down immediately but, since you’re new in the business and you do prepare excellent food, I’m going to give you a chance to correct things. I will be back here in exactly two weeks and if things have not greatly improved by then and my entire list of infractions not corrected, I will lock your doors.”
Two weeks later the inspector returns and, on entering, immediately notices a great improvement. The odor is no longer evident, the floor sparkles and shines, and the restaurant has new chandeliers that brighten the entire room. When he is led to the same booth he can see that the seats have been recovered and are spotlessly clean while the table has an immaculate, white tablecloth and clean linen napkins. He is especially surprised that the same waiter is dressed in a spiffy new tuxedo. His hands and fingernails are also immaculate.
When the waiter brings his meal he can’t help but notice the care taken in serving it. The waiter removes two little silver forks from his tuxedo pocket that he uses to carefully set the roll on the bread plate, place the baked potato on the dinner plate and move the broccoli from steaming dish to the plate.
When the inspector is finished eating he tells the waiter he will be speaking to the owner and will tell him that he is very impressed with the changes that have been made and especially with the waiter’s appearance and wonderful service.”
“By the way,” the inspector continues, “ The only discordant thing I noticed is that you seem to have a string hanging from the fly of your trousers.”
“Oh that,” responds the waiter. “The owner has established some very stringent rules that the help has to obey. One of these is that we have to be especially careful when using the facilities. That string is tied to the end of my … well you know what. When I go to the restroom I can unzip my fly and use the string to pull it out so I won’t have to touch it with my fingers.”
“That’s really unusual and commendable,” says the inspector. “But, tell me, how do you get it back in?”
“Oh, I just use my two little silver forks.”
Here are some others I couldn't resist not adding at later dates:
The Sottish professor approached the podium, rested his elbows with the sleeve patches on it, cleared his throat harshly and looked across the students facing him from the amphitheater seating of the lecture hall. Some of the faces looked anxious, others avid and then, of course, there were those that looked disinterested. Those that had listened to this professor’s lectures before were the avid ones since knowing that he could be very interesting, with a reputation of being some what of an odd ball.
He waited for a moment until the muted chatter in his audience lessened to silence and, without further introduction, said, “Is therre anyone in this class who can tell me which paarrt of the human anatomy can increase in size by a factor of ten onder prroper stimulation?”
The silence continued for a good minute before he repeated, “Is therre no one in this class that can answerrr the question?”
The professor looked across the silent audience and then said, “Miss McGilicutty, stand oop please.”
A young lady in the second row slowly stood up with a surprised and baleful look on her face.
“Miss McGilicutty, hae you nae the answer to my question?”
Flushing with embarrassment, she shook her head – “No”.
“Miss McGilicutty, sit doon please,” said the professor, and then, “Is therre no one in this class that can tell me the parrt of the human anatomy that will increase ten fold in size onder prroperr stimulation.
After another minute or so of silence, a single hand, timidly shaking slightly, was raised and caught the professor’s eye.
“ Ah!” noted the professor, “Miss McPherson, do you hae the answer to my question?”
“I believe so, “ answered the obviously frightened student. "It is the iris of the human eye,”
“Thank you Miss McPherson, you are corrrect, sit doon please. Miss McGillicuty, stand oop please.”
The poor girl stood back up, visibly trembling.
“Miss McGilicutty, I hae but thrree things to tell you,” the professor said with a bemused expression.
“Firrstly, You hae not prrepared your lesson for the day,”
“Secondly, you hae a verra dirty mind,”
“And thirdly, I’m afeared, my lass, you are doomed to a life of great disapoontment,”
The Italian Fire Department
One dark night in a small town of Roselle Park, New Jersey a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me.'
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000!
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Peterstown section of Elizabeth, NJ. This fire department was composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, raced down the hill approaching the site passing fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale Del Torre, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna firetruck!!'